How do I ensure that my extended family honors my child’s gender journey?
Even if you’ve taken action to educate yourself about gender and create a supportive and affirming environment for your child, you still may have family members who don’t understand or who actively oppose your efforts to honor and celebrate your child.
Your first step should be to think about what specific requests and boundaries you want to be setting about your child. This might include ensuring that your extended family
uses your child’s correct name and pronouns;
doesn’t make negative comments about your parenting;
buys toys/clothes/games/etc that your child likes;
does not make criticisms disguised as suggestions.
Depending on your child’s age, you might have a conversation with them to discuss which boundaries they want to be setting. In this kind of conversation, you want to be modelling for your child that they should set boundaries to protect their mental health, even if they’re concerned about how the family member might react. A boundary is not a rejection and it's not an attack on the other person. It’s an act of self-love and it’s a way to show someone else how you want to be loved.
Next, before you communicate the boundary, take some deep breaths and make sure you are feeling calm and centered.
When you are ready, you can use a three-part “assertion message” to communicate the boundary:
(i) Describe the unwanted behavior in neutral terms (ii) describe how the behavior makes you feel; (iii) describe the effect of the behavior on you
Example: (i) When you call my child by a name he no longer uses instead of his correct name; (ii) it makes me sad & scared; (iii) because using the wrong name sends him into an anxiety spiral.
After sending an assertion message, you may encounter a variety of responses. Always go into the conversation open to the possibility that your family member will be happy to honor your request. Here are some ways to manage other outcomes:
Defensiveness can often be diffused with empathy. Remember, however, to pair your empathy with the boundary you’re setting. (“I get that you’re upset/angry. I still need you to honor my family’s boundaries.)
Questions can be a subtle deflection of responsibility. Reframe their question as a statement about the other person’s doubts or worries. Then repeat your assertive message. (“It sounds like you have doubts about whether my child’s gender identity is genuine. Regardless of your doubts, I need you to [make XYZ change in your behavior].”)
Crying can indicate that the person is feeling overwhelmed or, sometimes, can be a form of emotional manipulation. Resist the urge to comfort, reassure, or retract your assertion. Remember, if you are sending an assertion message, it is because your (or your child’s) needs are not being met in the relationship. It is not your job to comfort this person at this moment.
Silence. Some people withdraw as a defense strategy. Reframe silence as a desire to process conversion for now. Then repeat your assertive message. (“I’m reading your silence as a desire to process what I’ve just told you. I’m happy to be in conversation with you about this. I still need you to [make XYZ change in your behavior.”)
If you encounter a high degree of hostility and/or you feel like you’re not being heard, you can say that you’re going to end the conversation until your conversation partner can speak to you with respect. Once again, pair that with a repeat of the limit you’re setting.
Getting your child’s needs met with your family might require developing a concrete action plan. You might consider multiple conversations over a long period of time, writing a letter, inviting the family member to therapy, a support group, family mediation, or in some cases limiting contact to specific holidays.
