How do I know if my child is trans?

Only your child can tell you if they are transgender.  

Gender is a complex and variable part of the human experience that varies across time and space.  It is one’s internal sense of masculinity and femininity – as well as a palate, a canvas, and a mode of self-expression.  It is also the basis for socially- and legally-enforced rules about how people interact with each other.  Attributes that may be associated with men and boys at one time may be associated with women and girls at another.  For example, in Western culture, the color blue used to be associated with girls and the color pink, with boys.  

Children experience gender in all kinds of ways, some of which may leave you feeling confused and uncertain.  It is important to remember that this natural part of child development is not evidence of illness or disorder.  Children notice gender as infants and spend much of their childhood experimenting with gender through play, toys, clothes, and interacting with their peers and caregivers.  

Some children will send their parents a very clear message – such as persistent declarations that they are a different gender than the marker on their birth certificate.  Other times, the messages will be more subtle and varied.  Maybe your child identifies as a boy but often wants to wear dresses and nail polish.  Or perhaps your child tells you that they are sometimes a boy, sometimes a girl, and sometimes “just me.”  Regardless of labels, your child needs you to affirm how they experience gender and provide unconditional love and support.

A final note: Medical professionals will often assess whether a child’s gender-nonconforming behavior is “insistent, consistent, and persistent” in order to determine the appropriate clinical approach.  I am not a medical or psychological clinician.  My work as a parenting coach is informed by this diagnostic tool, but does not rely on it.