My child is trans, nonbinary, or gender-creative and I want to support them. Is it okay that I feel like I’ve lost my son/daughter?

Yes, of course.   When we feel like we’ve lost something, we grieve.  It is a natural part of being alive.  

Think back to when you first learned that you were going to have your child.  What’s one of the most common questions that people ask?  “Is it a boy or a girl?”  Even if you didn’t care, even if you just wanted a healthy baby, you still probably imagined what your baby was going to look and be like as a child, a teenager, and as an adult.  

And in that imagined story about your child’s life, they probably had a gender.  Now your child is telling you that their life is going to have a different story.  

It’s common for parents who learn that their child is trans (or nonbinary, or gender-creative) to grieve the story about how their child’s life is going to turn out.  You should honor your feelings of loss and sadness.  You might surround yourself with trusted friends, professionals, and/or support groups who can help you grieve.  Or journal, or re-commit to a meditation practice.  Remember also that you should not involve your child in your grieving process.

Celebrating your child’s gender means getting the support you need to take responsibility for your grief.  When we bury our emotions away, they pop up unpredictably and with more intensity.  They dissipate when we take the time to really feel into them.